A few years ago, my French bf-at-the-time took me to Paris to meet his family....His mother, a haughty Parisienne who believes that her only son is GOD, and that no girl could possibly be classy enough to deserve him.
Their regard is mutual - he worships her as much as she worships him.
One evening after a champagne-soaked dinner, she left to go to the theater.
Expecting that she'd be gone for several hours, we started having regular sex, and then anal sex, on a couch adjacent to the table at which we'd had dinner.
Things kept getting hotter, and my b.f. started f*cking my ass with the slim end of a champagne bottle. This felt good at first... but then I realized that something felt off.
I slowed him down in an attempt to understand what on Earth my body was doing, and I realized that my bowels were moving. And I kind of realized that it was too late to stop what was happening.
At this already Godforsaken moment, we hear a key in the door and his mother pops into the room. The bitch had forgotten her shawl or something.
So there I am, naked, on her couch, while her son, also naked, is holding a champagne bottle that is obviously deeply embedded in my ass. We shriek, and he yanks out the bottle.
And immediately out comes a LARGE, dark brown, smelly piece of poop. It just rolls out - this felt like it was happening in slow motion, and I kept trying to stop it but I couldn't - and lands on her couch.
The French boy and I broke up shortly thereafter. I dumped him - pun intended.
I met some guy at a party, and ended up going to his house... Mid-thrust, he started laughing manically and yelled "I am fucking an alien princess! I am fucking an alien princess!" I, far too sober, immediately stopped, and then had to listen to him say, with wide eyes: "your vagina looks like the fridge scene in Ghostbusters."
I fell asleep and woke up in the morning to him eating a whole key lime pie in bed.
Not even looking over at me, he said: "you can't have any." I walked home.
While riding me cowgirl, an ex bounced up too high, I partially slid out, she came back down and my penis kinked in the middle, to the left. I felt the snap echo through my entire body.
A shame, it was pretty fun up until that point.It stayed like that for nearly a year when one day it miraculously straightened itself.
It was the first time I had sex with this guy, and he was hitting it from behind on his big brass bed.
At one point, I was getting tired, so I went to turn my head to make eye contact (I had read that that made guys crazy) and I realized that my head was stuck between the brass posts.
I was like a kid in a banister, and kept imagining firemen having to save me. My date sure couldn't save me - he, in fact, laughed so hard that he peed on the floor.
He wouldn't stop trying to make me deep throat. So I threw up on his dick and left. The end.”
I met a guy on eHarmony. After our second date, we went to his apartment to, basically, get drunk and have sex.
He goes down on me and after a few minutes, I end up in excruciating pain. I look down and see blood everywhere. He bit off a piece of my fucking vagina.
I was with this girl and she was kind of an emo chick. I can deal with that. She also liked it kinda rough which I was also kind of okay with.
Then we are having sex one night and she wanted me to choke her. So whatever cool I do a little choking and try to make her happy.
She keeps saying she wants to be choked harder and harder. I keep doing this and she finally tells me to choke her until she taps me on the shoulder. She wanted to be fucking choked out practically. I finally start choking her the way she wants but at this point I’m scared this girl is going to die. I release my death grip and she slaps me in the face and says, “choke me harder you bitch.”
So I just start fucking her and choking her as hard as I can and I’m about to cum. I want to get this shit over with and nope the fuck out. Apparently she could tell I was about to cum and she told me to cum inside her. NO FUCKING WAY was I cumming inside this fucking crazy girl.
Was banging a girl in the back seat, it’s good times, with the car rocking and windows steamed. Before too long she’s cumming and then I start cumming, so I grab her by the hips and clamp down and start banging it home, but I guess my thumbs were on her bladder cause she straight up pisses on me.
And lo, at that moment, a cop knocks on the window. She freaks and tries to jump off and I take a knee in my freshly drained balls. So now I got a cop laughing at me, piss in my back seat, and shattered balls.
Cop was all, “Just go, you’ve been punished enough.”
Found some white creature that was alive inside girl’s vagina after I’d been going down on her.
It was some white creature that was wriggling around.
I can’t remember the specifics of it now. I just remember she went straight to the doctor the next day and got some antibiotics which cleared it up. Thankfully it wasn’t an STD or anything.
I also remember spewing and washing my mouth out like never before.
Made me think twice about vaginas.. for at least a couple of months.
Went to Mexico and got two hookers for a threesome. First time with hookers, first threesome. Fuck it. With condoms at all times, btw.
All going great until she asks me what I want to do next. Anything I want. Duh, butt sex!
I was tired from banging both of them so I said, you get on top of me. Mistake #1.
Feels good. WAY tighter cause, you know, butt sex.
Mistake #2. Jackhammer it because, you know, hooker. She says, please go slow!! So I slow down….
She jumps up, it’s dark, and proceeds to have a bunch of liquid drop from her vag. I thought. Runs out of the room. Hooker #2 watches her just as I was and didn’t understand. Until the smell…
Wasn’t vag liquid. Apparently, the jackhammer triggered her next bowel movement, which happened to be liquid, and it’s ALL over my stomach and legs. The 2nd hooker goes, “Dios mio…” and sits there. At that point, we both cover our noses and I say, look, I’m not cleaning this shit. You two are getting paid, get something quick!
She spends the next 10 mins cleaning me up. I ask to shower. I hear hooker #1 making fucking poop noises from the bathroom with the shower. I have to wait, naked, until she’s done crapping.
She exits. I shower, thoroughly. Come back out. The kicker….
Both are in the bed and say, come on back and we do some more.
Nope. Taxi’d out and back to my resort.